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'Urgent Care' Proud to Offer Neither
CHICAGO — Local urgent care clinic Guardian Immediate Care is reportedly proud to provide desperate Chicagoans, victimized by a predatory healthcare system, with clinical help that can be accurately described as neither “urgent” nor “care”, uninsured sources confirmed. “My college buddies and I started Guardian Immediate Care with one simple mission,” said Guardian Founder and CEO Karl Estes. “That mission was to find Chicagoans throughout the community in dire need of medica
Jacob Albrecht
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'Urgent Care' Proud to Offer Neither
CHICAGO — Local urgent care clinic Guardian Immediate Care is reportedly proud to provide desperate Chicagoans, victimized by a predatory healthcare system, with clinical help that can be accurately described as neither “urgent” nor “care”, uninsured sources confirmed. “My college buddies and I started Guardian Immediate Care with one simple mission,” said Guardian Founder and CEO Karl Estes. “That mission was to find Chicagoans throughout the community in dire need of medica
Peace Talks Shouted Over Gunfire
BEIRUT, LEBANON — Global energy costs have continued to soar with the continued closure of the Strait of Hormuz. Despite continued bombing from both the U.S. and Israel, President Trump insists that peace talks are still underway. Trump insists that a permanent cease fire would have been reached weeks ago, were it not for the sounds of heavy artillery and ballistic fire rendering negotiations inaudible. The President elaborated to press saying. “You should really hear some o
Creationists Protest Pokémon Fossil Exhibit
CHICAGO, IL — Teens and stunted adults across Chicago were thrilled when it was announced the Field Museum would be host to the new Pokémon Fossil Museum. This exhibit features a number of Pokémon skeletons displayed alongside real life geological samples. However, days after opening the exhibit, museum curators were surprised to see a small group protesting outside. The organization identifying themselves as People for Designating Intelligent Design During Young Earth or (
DHS Halts International Flights to Cities with Bike Lanes
WASHINGTON — The U.S. Department of Homeland Security shocked the nation last week, as Secretary Markwayne Mullin announced plans to halt all international flights to US cities containing bike lanes in a press conference Thursday morning. “I can’t stand those fucking things,” an agitated Mullin told reporters. “So pretentious, a whole section of the road reserved for some asshole in booty-shorts. Well, frankly that is not the kind of image these great United States want to po
Brandon Johnson Negotiates Sale of Vatican City Parking Meters to UAE
VATICAN CITY — Chicago Mayor Brandon Johnson arrived in Italy this Thursday. Him along with the 46 person delegation funded by World Business Chicago, were thrilled to meet with former Chicago native, Pope Leo XIV. During the meeting Johnson and the delegates ran a number of banger ideas by his holiness. Chief amongst them, the no miss strategy of selling vital infrastructure to private interests. Despite the proven track record of this strategy the pope had some questions.
US Fires Preemptive Strike on NASA Moonbase
THE MOON — United States forces carried out a series of devastating airstrikes targeting the Moon’s South Pole last week in a move that U.S. Central Command justified as “precautionary and undoubtedly necessary.” “I can assure the American people that last week’s airstrikes on the moon were absolutely essential to ensuring the continued safety of our great nation.” explained CENTCOM spokesman Darrel Healey. “After NASA’s recent announcement regarding plans to construct a so-c
Enhanced Games Hands Out Single "Enhanced" Condom
LAS VEGAS, NV — This Memorial Day Weekend was special for a number of reasons. In addition to the long weekend spent in honor of our fallen military members, last Sunday was also host to The Enhanced Games. The multi-sport event/supplement ad, was intended to showcase what athletes could accomplish with the help of steroids and other performance enhancers typically banned across traditional athletic competitions. In an attempt to draw a parallel to The Olympics, The Enhanced
Lebron Flies to Dagobah System for Offseason Training
A GALAXY FAR, FAR AWAY - LA Lakers star LeBron James has informed the team that he will be spending his offseason in the Dagobah System to train with long-time mentor Yoda. “Look, man. I’m 42. Last time I went out there was the summer before my first MVP. [I’m] looking forward to getting back with Yoda, getting back in touch with the Force, things of that nature” James commented. “Whatever I can do to extend my playing career, I’m gonna do it. Whether that’s force-lifting an
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