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Trad Husband Maimed in Factory
BOISE, ID — Last Tuesday in trying to keep up with recent trends online, Robert Falter lost three fingers to an 18th century Power Loom. The trend has been dubbed online as Trad Husbandry and encourages men to seek out more traditionally masculine jobs like Textile Factory Worker, or Non Union Coal Miner. Mr. Falter further detailed the trend while medical professionals attempted to salvage the remains of his hand. “Well it all started when I started seeing all these “Trad
Cameron Lehr
Cartoons
Politics
Pretty Good Chance Draft Notice Spam
SHEPHERDSVILLE, Ky. — Amidst a bundle of grocery store ads, insurance scams, and flyers from internet service providers, one piece of mail in particular, sent from the so-called "Selective Service System", stuck out to local man John Passinissi, sources in denial report. "I mean it can't be real, right?" said Passinissi, pausing intermittently to stare at nothing. "It's gotta be spam... right? It has to be... It-- I get so much mail claiming this, that, or the other, but it's
Trad Husband Maimed in Factory
BOISE, ID — Last Tuesday in trying to keep up with recent trends online, Robert Falter lost three fingers to an 18th century Power Loom. The trend has been dubbed online as Trad Husbandry and encourages men to seek out more traditionally masculine jobs like Textile Factory Worker, or Non Union Coal Miner. Mr. Falter further detailed the trend while medical professionals attempted to salvage the remains of his hand. “Well it all started when I started seeing all these “Trad
Kash Patel Parties With F1 Cast After Oscars Win
LOS ANGELES — FBI Director Kash Patel was spotted drinking and carrying on with the cast of F1 after the Academy Awards Ceremony Sunday night. Eyewitness report Patel arrived uninvited and promptly began drinking heavily and antagonizing members of the cast. "Yeah [the cast and crew] were pretty psyched after taking Best Sound." said F1 Key Grip Joel Argyle. "So we went to this local dive to celebrate. We're having some drinks, moping together. Then, one of the guys at the
Michael B. Jordan Reconciles With Irish Vampire
LOS ANGELES — After receiving the Oscar for Best Picture, Sinners star Michael B. Jordan thought it was finally time to bury the stake and shake hands with famous Irish Vampire Conan O’Brien. Jordan expressed his reservations on the red carpet outside the event. “It made us a little nervous when they made the announcement. Like we made this whole movie about fighting and killing Irish Vampires, then who do we see announced as the host of the Oscars this year? Conan! That’d b
Part-Time Job Causing Full-Time Depression
AURORA, IL — 18-Year-Old Elijah Cedar was thrilled when after a nerve-wracking interview, they were hired part-time, at Jumpstreet Trampoline Park. Now six years later at the age of 24, this same job has become a major detriment to Elijah’s mental health. Like many elder Gen Z, Elijah has struggled finding gainful employment. In order to make ends meet, they’ve had to take on a number of part time jobs that have been less than fulfilling, as they will no doubt tell you. “Thi
BLT Secret Recipe Leaked
WEST DOREST, ENGLAND — The Mapperton House home to the famous Earl and Duchess of Sandwich was in uproar last Tuesday. Upon checking one of the home's many safes, 12th Earl of Sandwich Luke Montagu found that the infamous BLT Sandwich recipe had been stolen. The Earl lamented to Press along the outer crust of the estate. “WE’RE RUINED! That recipe was the only thing keeping this family afloat. A lot of people think “Oh your family invented the sandwich you guys must be loade
Brave Cop Scores Sweet Loot From Car Fire
MARSHFIELD, Wis. — Local police officer Donny Lorenz received high praise from colleagues and civilians alike last week, after a heroic roadside rescue. The Marshfield PD Sergeant leapt into action Thursday night to score some sweet grass, glass, and cash from a blazing vehicle on the side of the road, eyewitnesses report. "It was incredible, like something out of an action movie," said local man Phil Pratt. "I could see the smoke from a mile away. I pulled over a couple hund
Iran War Unrelated to Missiles' Best By Date
MINOT AIR FORCE BASE, ND — Senior Airman Frank Holland was among the first Americans to foresee the oncoming conflict with Iran, when late last February he discovered nearly all of the ballistics stored in his facility displayed a best by date of March 1st, 2026. In an interview with reporters last week, Airman Holland further explained the weight of his discovery. “Do you have any idea what the budget request was for the U.S. Military in 2025? 849.8 Billion Dollars!" exclai
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