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Congress Divides Into Shirts and Skins
WASHINGTON D.C. — The House returned from a five week recess on Monday. They originally planned to discuss the vital federal funding bill necessary to keep the government open. However, after roughly 15 minutes of conversation the house took an additional more traditional recess. Outside a game of capture the flag quickly ensued, within minutes speaker of the house Mike Johnson had his shirt off and claimed, “WE CALL SKINS! Jim Jordan! Tom Cole! Get over here!” A school yar
Cameron Lehr
Cartoons
Politics
Congress Divides Into Shirts and Skins
WASHINGTON D.C. — The House returned from a five week recess on Monday. They originally planned to discuss the vital federal funding bill necessary to keep the government open. However, after roughly 15 minutes of conversation the house took an additional more traditional recess. Outside a game of capture the flag quickly ensued, within minutes speaker of the house Mike Johnson had his shirt off and claimed, “WE CALL SKINS! Jim Jordan! Tom Cole! Get over here!” A school yar
Man's Fingers Too Buttery to Leave Movie Theater
AMC NEWCITY — 28 Year Old Joseph Klearny loves a good movie. So much in fact that last Christmas he was given an AMC Stubs A List Membership. Initially he was thrilled, but after the events of this last weekend he may be wishing he just got some cash instead. After his fourth screening of Spiderman Brand New Day, Klearny discovered that his fingers had become too buttery to operate the door and leave the theater. After being rescued by paramedics Klearny gave this statement.
U.S. Calls Mom for Help With National Debt
WASHINGTON D.C. — The national debt hit 40 trillion over the weekend, equaling roughly $177,000 for every person living here. Facing an amount of debt near imaginary, government officials were left with only a single option. Hitting up mom for some cash. “We know 250 is a little old to be doing this. But we’re in a bit of a transition period right now and we just need a little something to help us stay afloat while we figure stuff out.” U.S. Officials asked mom. But unfortun
White House Staffers Thrilled Trump on Different Plane
TURKEY — After a long and tedious NATO Summit, White House staffers were mentally prepping for the roughly 11 hour flight back to D.C.. Long flights are never fun for anyone, but according to sources aboard Air Force One, flights with President Trump are near unbearable. White House Correspondent for the Associated Jest, Francis Hanover gave us the inside scoop. “Usually before takeoff he takes a fat shit. That of course stinks up the whole plane before we’ve even left the g
Chicago Residents Prep for Next Weeks Fire and Earth Show
CHICAGO — Every year residents of Chicago are awed and annoyed by Military Jet teams and stunt pilots. For some the spectacle is part of a relaxing weekend of watching death defying wastes of Taxpayer dollars. For others it’s an earsplitting nuisance. Regardless of your feelings on the Air and Water show, City officials confirmed, it’s going to be nothing compared to what’s to come. “We’re gonna blow some fucking shit up,” said Mayor of Chicago Brandon Johnson. “I’m talking
Man Trapped in Labyrinth of His Own Making Secretly Very Proud
THE LABYRINTH — 47 Year Old Mark Gustiano was laid off from his factory job nine months ago. Mark decided to make the best of his situation and devote some of his extra time to a long neglected passion project. Building a Labyrinth. However, as Mark will tell you things quickly got out of hand. “Some people like to read mysteries or do jigsaws. But me, I’m a Labyrinth kinda guy,” said Gustiano. “Something about a structure so dizzyingly complex that no coherent path can be d
Man Drunk at Lake Has it All Figured Out
LAKE MCCONAUGHY, NEBRASKA — Located just 8 miles northeast of Ogallala Nebraska sits Nebraska’s largest reservoir, Lake McConaughy. A beautiful body of water that has served as a getaway for Mechanic Freddie Dawson, for nearly two decades. It was during his latest trip, sitting lakeside, toes in the water, four beers deep, that Dawson had a revelation. “Man this is it” said Dawson. “There have been times where I leave a 14 shift at work and wonder what it’s all for. Why is t
Ice Cream Man Swaps Jingle for Some Skynyrd
PEORIA, IL — Despite the state of the country as a whole, it is still summer. A time for relaxing, enjoying the weather, and maybe even grabbing an ice cream or two. For Jerry McCullin, driver of The Ice Cream Wagon Summers like these would usually be a gold mine. But for some reason, business has been slow this year. “Usually I start making my rounds in mid June,” said McCullin. “But this year I started cruising the normal spots and there’s nothing. After my third day of co
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